A discussion on the word "scalpel" and why it should never be used in a medical setting

To all the doctors in the world: NEVER USE THE WORD "scalpel" when speaking with a patient.

Why? Let me explain.

This is my current condition:

NO I'm not pregnant! What? You think just because I'm wearing yoga pants and a baggy tee and pointing to my protruding belly means I'm prego? Come on, now, be a little bit more open-minded.

So... I'm going to share some details with you that you probably don't want to know, but let's be honest, anatomy cured me of any body shyness long ago, and the world needs to know that there are some crazy smart people (doctors) out there.

So.... I've had this lump on my lower abdomen (about 1.5-2 in below my belly button line) for about one or two years. It has caused no problems until yesterday, when it swelled up about 3 times it's normal size and started to hurt.

So... I went to Urgent Care (I'm a little "Urgent Care" happy since I have great insurance these days...jk, sort of) to make sure it wasn't some sort of cancer growing inside of me.

The doctor was crazy, guys. Proof as follows(emphasis added):

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*after looking at lump*

Doc: Whatever it is, it's infected. So you'll need an antibiotic.
Me: Well, what is it?
Doc: It's too high to be a swollen lymph node, so it's either a cyst or a discreet mass. You have two options. Either I cut you open right now and try to scalpel it out or I refer you to a surgeon tomorrow.

Me: (in my head) Scalpel? What? Cut me open? What? But I wanted to go running...
Me: (outloud) Which one is cheaper?
Doc: Me.
Me: What if you can't "scalpel it out?"
Doc: Then I refer you to a surgeon.
Me: Uh, ok.

5 seconds later

Doc: Are you sure you're emotionally prepared for surgery?

Me: No.

Doc: Ok! *knee pat*

Doc: Ok, now I'm going to numb you up. *shows me fatty needle*

Me: Uh, is this going to hurt?

Doc: Yes.

Me: How much?

Doc: A lot.

Me: Um, like in comparison to giving blood?...

Doc: It will hurt more. I'm an honest doctor. I will tell you if it hurts, and it will hurt.

Me: *full body tense action starts* Thanks?

Me: oowwww owwww owww, tear

 Doc: See, I told you that would hurt.

5 seconds later, surgery begins
Doc:  I knew it was a cyst! I knew it!
Me: Cool.
Doc: Want to see what I just pulled out of you?
Me: No?
Doc: Just take a look (puts right next to my face)
Me: Ew.

5 seconds later
Doc: So now you have a hole in your stomach. If we were to sew it up now, it would get infected. So now I'm going to "pack it."
Me: Hole? Pack? With what?
Doc: *holds up sups long gauze strip*
Me: How deep is this hole?
Doc: About an inch.
Me: Ew. 
Doc: Come back and see me on Friday and we'll switch it out with new packing. Don't shower. 
Me: (in my head) But I haven't showered in 2 days...
Doc: You can take a look now! I packed it!
Me: No, thanks.

2 seconds of silence and solitude later
Me: *look at belly and only see 1/4 inch of gauze sticking straight up out of my belly*
*faint*  
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I went to work this morning, but apparently Lortab 

 

does not actually work, and it's painful to walk around. So my principal sent me home early. I wonder if she knew I would just be writing a blog post...