Saturday morning thoughts

It's Spring Break! Happiness

One of my favorite things is sleepy Saturday or Sunday mornings. Those kind of mornings that are totally quiet, outside and inside of you. I don't have enough of those mornings. I wish every morning could be like that, where you laze about in bed, contemplating, and where all of a sudden you're full of feelings and thoughts and ideas. But mostly feelings.

I whole-heartedly agree that life is altogether too fast-paced. Sometimes I wonder if life will always be like that, and then I think back to my mission, 

when life really was like that - incredibly full, but incredibly wonderful, too.

 
And I remember thinking, will life always be like this? And then reading this scripture:

"Therefore we should waste and wear out our lives in bringing to light all the hidden things of darkness, wherein we know them; and they are truly manifest from heaven--these things should be attended to with great earnestness . . . let us do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed."  Doctrine & Covenants 123:13,17


Recently I had the opportunity to go to the production by Rob Gardner called the Lamb of God. I can't even begin to articulate what I feel when I listen to this music. It speaks to my soul. Most of the most powerful spiritual experiences in my past have to do with music. This one is no exception. You'll have to go to the site and listen to the whole thing, along with the lyrics. You can download the music at the website linked here: http://www.spiremusic.org/lamb/album.php. 

One thing in particular that I felt last week watching the production performed downtown was a renewed appreciation for the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Let me explain. The past six months have been a whirlwind of change adjusting to a new job, new location, new responsibilities, new roommates, new everything. Things have slipped through the cracks -- important things -- like reading my scriptures for half an hour every day, like memorizing "The Living Christ" like my Stake President asked us to do, like inviting my neighbors over for dinner and a missionary discussion, like inviting the girl I sit next to in Relief Society over for dinner because she looks lonely too, like going to all of the activities at church every week, like being a better friend to those I super-love, like calling that person back. The list could go on.

Maybe it's the fact that I'm a woman, and we're hard on ourselves by nature. But for some reason, I've started to get bogged down with all of the things I'm not doing. I've started to feel guilty and overwhelmed. I hate that feeling. And as I was watching this inspired production and since then, listening to the songs and lyrics, I started to feel that familiar fire of testimony grow within me. And then immediately following, I felt this guilt for not doing more with that testimony - this responsibility to act on it and use it and share it and help others and...and...then began the guilt cycle.

And then it hit me. WAIT. That is what this is all about. That is what the Atonement is about. And that is what the entire Plan of Salvation is about. I can testify of that power in the lives of everyone else. I can see the light of the Atonement in the eyes of that guy in my ward who's coming back to church. I can feel His love for that girl next to me in Relief Society. But what about me? For the first time in months, I felt a burden lifted.

I'm not perfect, and that is okay. 

Things fall through the cracks, and I slip up, and when it comes right down to it, my energy and abilities are so limited when compared to the needs of those around me. And that is why I need the Atonement every day! This is an exciting realization to me! And makes me want to add one thousand exclamation points to this paragraph!!!!!

Since then, I feel like Heavenly Father has helped me see all the things He has helped me do these past six months, instead of all the things I haven't done -- important things -- like helping me have the energy to go to my ward and reach out to all those new people at activities (even though I don't invite them over for dinner), or like helping me develop good relationships with my coworkers who aren't members, like teaching me through the Spirit every time I open up my scriptures, like helping me teach Chloe how to regroup in math, like helping me change who I am by becoming 1/1000th more patient with those kids every day (huge accomplishment, but still have a long way to go), like helping me teach 46 kids Chinese, and helping them love it, like getting me up every morning even when I'm sleep-deprived and tired, and helping me have a good attitude most days. 

Beautiful. Happy Easter, everyone, and if there was one thing I could do, it would be to buy you (yes, you) the "Lamb of God" CD so that you can feel what I feel, too. 

Thank goodness for Spring Break, that helps me slow down and lets me have a lazy Saturday morning.