three years already?

I'm sitting here, on "my" front lawn, with the spring breeze blowing in my (overly short) hair (freak out begins as I think about how short my hair is and how the color is too dark...wheh..back to reality)...

It's a beautiful spring day. I have to admit, when spring hits in Utah, I just feel lighter. My life in general is happier, more relaxed, and I love spending my evenings enjoying the spring weather on my front porch, going on walks/runs, soaking in the setting sun instead of racing it like I do in the winter. It is divine.

Not to mention that my third year of teaching is coming to an end in one month (ish). I can't believe it. This year has f.l.o.w.n. by. I've been working the five-day work weeks, and to be honest, it's been exhausting. My energy and patience slowly decrease as the week progresses, and by Friday, I am spent. You'd think it'd get easier, and it does in some ways, but doesn't in others.

Lately, I've really struggled with feeling overwhelmed with weaknesses and feeling like I'm not good enough at ______(fill in the blank). Although ideally confidence is built from within and not from outside sources, I recognize that being in the "dating game" can and does take serious blows to your confidence. It's been especially hard for me recently because I went on a blind date with a boy (whom I felt so excited about after the date- RARE occurrence in and of itself) and he never called back although he said "I'll be in touch" (apparently that means NOTHING). #bit Of course, I don't know the reason, and I don't even want to know the reason, but for whatever reason, it's been hard for me. Maybe because it's a culmination of all the rejection/rejecting of this game. Maybe it's because I have put a lot of effort into this game since January and it has gotten me nowhere. As if I thought the reason I wasn't getting anywhere was because of lack of effort? I've known that wasn't the reason but still expected some sort of progress with my increased effort...but no.

Anyways, this same insecurity has carried over into my job. I've been praying about it, and it's been testimony-strengthening this past week to recognize specific instances in my job when I would've/should've/could've reacted impatiently but I didn't. I went into this job three years ago recognizing that it would give me opportunities to develop attributes (patience, nurturing, etc) that I wanted to develop. Most days I feel like I have not made progress in those goals. But this past week I have recognized that Heavenly Father is helping me and that I have made progress. It has been a happy realization, although I recognize I still have so far to go.

It's been a strange dynamic as I try to transition from my job to graduate school. My coworkers have become my family over the past three years - they've been there from my cry-session after failing the Praxis, my support group after breaking up with a crazy ex-boyfriend, my cheerleader as I got into the China program last summer, and my examples of people I want to become. They've been there when I'm excited to be at work and when I'm not. I feel blessed beyond words to have learned from so many of them and sad to not get to work with them every day. Below is one of my fav's (Steph).

 

But alas, graduate school is happening, and I know it's the right step. But it won't hit me until I'm buying textbooks and walking around the University of Utah campus (what?) and sitting in class instead of teaching a class. Talk about role reversal. I'm ready for a change, but it's still weird

I've tried to take a few videos of my students to savor the moments I have with them. They make me laugh and brighten my life.

The first is of my students "tutoring" first graders. I started this tradition this year of tutoring first graders (and having the third graders come in and tutor us). It took some serious teaching to teach them how to teach others, let me tell you. Initially they all went in there, sped through the passages in one minute without ever letting the first graders open their mouths, and then yelled out in unison, "I'm done, what now?" We had to teach them "teacher skills" and model what a good/bad tutor looks like, all the way down to hand motions, body positions, pausing, encouraging. It has been such a cool process to watch them become teachers of the language, not just students. Many of the "lower" students who may have seemed disengaged in our classroom latch onto the idea of teaching others.

The following video is of a couple of my students conversing in Chinese during one of their recesses. I asked them a few questions just to see what they would respond (What's your name? Why are you in Chinese dual immersion? What do you like to do? What's in your room? - because we had just learned how to talk about that, for some reason).

Some other fun photos...

My students watching a video I made of me eating/cutting fruit I bought in China. They liked learning about all the different and exotic fruits! Still feeling so grateful for last summers' opportunity!

A self-portrait one of my students drew of himself :) It is my favorite ever (Caleb)

Another self-portrait that I absolutely love. (Lydia)

This is also my favorite. Male-pattern baldness at age 7? Yes please. Ha ha! (Kyan)

And a post from me would not be a post without some photos in nature. You knew it was comin...although this trip (below) was begun with a terrible night's sleep laying there in a cold pile of puddle, the hike on Saturday was worth it. The colors on the Negro Bill Canyon trail were phenomenal and it is now one of my favorite hikes in Moab.

And with that, I'm out. Here's to two more Monday's of work before summer break :)