The Flawless Cilantro-hater Bather*

*blog title is a collective term used to describe those I have gone out with as of late.

These past few months I have been putting concentrated effort on dating (cheer for me). I have rejoined the popular local dating app called Tinder (you may remember my #blogrant from a few months ago when I first joined). Well, once I have sifted through 100's (okay maybe 1000's) of weirdos people who don't meet my baseline for normality, I then swipe right and, It's a Match! I've been on quite a few dates and would like to share some of the juice from these experiences (mostly as a means of coping).


Date #1 with Dude 1

[ordering pizza, first 5 minutes of date]
Me: Oh, that one looks good! [looks at cilantro BBQ pizza]
Dude 1: I hate cilantro.
Me: [BOMB HAS BEEN DROPPED. MINUS 15 POINTS] Are there any other foods you dislike?
Dude 1: I hate tomatoes.
Me: [SECOND BOMB DROPPED] Oh...those are my favorite foods....

5 minutes later
 Me: So, you have your own office? That must be nice. Do you ever get lonely though?
Dude 1: No, I hate people.

5 minutes later
Dude 1: So, what do you like about your job?
Me: Well, I love working with people; I'm kind of a people person...I mean...uh...


**The above conversation is said in jest. I would never rule someone out because they didn't like cilantro (although this was my first gut reaction)**--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date #2 with Dude 2

Dude 2: I'm really good at not judging people actually. blablablabla I'm really fit blablablabla I'm really great at finances, I only spend $2 per month and stick to my budget blablablablabla I've traveled to 48 different countries and I'm so hott blablablbablabla I was first chair in violin when I was a child blablablabla I am really rich blablab I've climbed all these mountains blablabla
Me: [first time I have spoken all night] Wow. Do you have any flaws?
Dude 2: [completely serious, pause] Yeah, I'm sure I do...
Me: [sarcastic] Well, sure can't tell what they are!!

2 hrs later, dude has proclaimed himself as a nit-picky person, so I decide to disclose my biggest insecurities to watch him squirm. (I'm the worst!)
Me: So, I have white hair.
Dude 2: [pause, gasp] REALLY?
Me: Yep, but I dye it. It's all right here...right here. [points to underneath my part]
Dude 2: Oh well..uh...okay...

5 minutes later [Dude is six inches from my face, now has both hands on my head, looking for grey hair under the guise of "getting flirty"]
Me: Uh...what are you doing?
Dude 2: Just "getting flirty".
Me: [obviously uncomfortable] Um, this is only the second date.
Dude 2: I thought you said you didn't put up walls? [continues messing with my hair]
Me: [thrown off by his comment] Um...so as I was saying...
Dude 2: [not listenting AT ALL]
Me: Are you listening to what I'm saying?
Dude 2: Not at all. [continues messing with my hair]
Me: Listen, I can't really not kiss you when you're 6 inches from my face. And this is only the second date, so can you stop?
Dude 2: WHOA YOU AND YOUR RAGING HORMONES, MY GOSH. [continues messing with my hair]
Me: Uh...so it's kind of getting late, I need to go to bed. And you need to get home.
Dude 2: [stands up, angry] If you kick me out, I might just not come back...
Me: Excuse me?
Dude 2: Uh...yeah it's getting late.

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Tinder conversation. This is our first interaction (texting).

Dude 3: Let me know if you want to release some stress and we can bang. NSA.
Me: I always need to relieve stress. But what is NSA?
Dude 3: No strings attached. Usually pertains to sex.
Me: Oh...well thank you for enlightening me. But don't you want to know something about me first?

(same boy is tinder-ing with my roommate Nicole)
Roommate: So...you're messaging my roommate now. Very different tactic with her.
Dude 3: Oh yeah? Which do you prefer?
Roommate: Definitely this way.
Dude 3: Tell me her name and I can change it up.
Roommate: Lindsey. But I don't think you'll have much luck there.
Dude 3: $#*(%#) Are you sure, I really like her.
Roommate: Pretty sure, sorry.
Dude 3: Well, I like you too. How are my chances here?

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Texting conversation with Dude 4 I have been out with twice (met on Tinder)

Dude 4: Bla bla bla
Me: Cool, what are you up to? [thought this was a safe question: ALERT, it's not]
Dude 4: Taking a hot bath.
Me: And texting me at the same time?
Dude 4: Yep!

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6 a. m. Rock climbing date with Dude 5 (ending conversation).

Me: Cool, have a nice day, I have to go freshen up for work.
Dude 4: Good luck using the public shower!
Me: Oh, I'm not going to shower. I'm heading straight to work.
Dude 4: Really? Yeah I've come to realize lately that girls shower way less than they let on.
Me: Yeah, this is day #3 for me...[referring to hair]
Dude 4:  .....................

[never went out again]

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For those of you unfamiliar with my style, humor, and sarcasm, let me reiterate that this blog is written purely in humor. I don't feel depressed (although some may argue I have reason to HA!) nor do I hate men and think they're all miserable. There you have it. :)