I have recently been accepted to a program (World Language Master's of Arts) at the U as well as a TA-ship (research TA working with a professor who does dual immersion research and second language research) that would waive tuition and give me a stipend to live off of (not big but liveable).
I have had totally mixed feelings regarding this. Although the smoothness of the process of applying and everything surrounding it parallels the smoothness of other correct decisions I have made in the past, I have still had to come to grips with the idea that I am pursuing, in what my mind, is Plan B. Part of me feels so excited that new doors are being opened and that I can see God guiding my life in new and exciting directions, while part of me feels like this blessing is not the blessing I wanted, even if it is a
blessing of sorts. It's complicated.
As I've tried to make the decision about whether to accept or not, I have had swarms of doubts in my head, many influenced by past experience or upbringing and also correct doctrine interpreted wrongly. I wanted to write about a few of them, as I believe many people my age struggle with similar issues. While much of my thoughts come from countless talks in my ward or stakes on the subject (and my notes are on scrap pieces of papers in countless journals), I have gained such great insight from the talk below. All of my quotes I will be referencing are pulled from this talk.
https://www.lds.org/ensign/1989/03/to-my-single-friends?lang=eng
Who should I go to for advice? Sometimes I feel like everyone I know gives me different and conflicting advice. And I know that there are no easy answers to my solutions.
"Your own inspiration and intuition, as parts of a prayerful, temple-centered, service-oriented
life, are probably more helpful than the well-meaning advice,
criticism, and solutions offered by some who try to help you toward your
goal of temple marriage."
---I am just beginning to understand the meaning of "trusting my gut" (which is really just following the Holy Ghost). As the youngest of seven awesome siblings and the by-product of amazing parents, I find a lot of value in the advice and guidance of those around me. I have made some of my best decisions because of advice from my family and friends. That said, I have learned that one of the best things I can do when faced with a decision is to stop and think deeply and quietly about what I want. Most of the time, I know what I should do. The challenge I face now is to continuously build my confidence in my own decision-making abilities and to not look back or question myself.
As an LDS woman in my late-20's, I find it especially difficult to balance professional goals and other goals. Conflicting messages cause me to sometimes be paralyzed with making decisions about my future. While my first goal may be to have a family and find the right person, I often mistakenly think that this goal and other goals (professional, travel, etc) must be mutually exclusive. I often worry that if I pursue other goals, people may mistakenly judge my priorities.
"Marriage is more likely achieved as a by-product of pursuing other useful activities and goals.
If
I were single and had no prospects for marriage, after a reasonable
time in one location and a careful weighing of my job opportunities, I
would probably explore other possibilities that could open new vistas
for friendships and growth. But while temple marriage and family
life would be my ultimate goal, whether in this life or beyond, I would
be careful not to make it my central focus. Marriage is more likely to
come naturally, from living life fully, than by a direct and pointed
campaign to achieve that long-range goal."
"Similarly, you may enjoy life through work, friendships, travel,
hobbies, temple attendance, institute classes, and further education."
--This advice, combined with the advice from so many other sources, helps me break through the stigma that I must sit around doing nothing to be available. It also helps me to not be paralyzed in the decision-making process. Getting married and pursuing professional goals are not mutually-exclusive objectives.
What place does marriage have in the scriptures and Gospel?
"There is little direct advice on marriage found in the records of the
Savior’s mortal ministry. The Lord’s emphasis was on service to others
and on treating people with love and respect. His counsel led primarily
to spiritual growth rather than directly to marriage. His parable of the
talents was a powerful injunction that energy should be invested in
increasing the talents one has been given and in employing those gifts
granted to all of us. Those who fearfully hid their talents and brooded
over the risks involved, he cautioned, would reap a bitter harvest."
--Although marriage, we all know, will bring more happiness than any other pursuit (I believe President Monson said that), it is not and should not be the end goal of our lives (seems obvious but it's not when you're single). While the Savior teaches principles, and those principles are best employed in family life, if you are single, those same principles can be developed in all of your experiences. The Gospel is about "service to others and treating people with love and respect," and also investing energy into developing the talents we have been given - this should and CAN be happening regardless of marital status.
What attitude should I have regarding my life now?
"Enjoy life, be involved in the good things that interest you, and find
satisfaction, joy, and happiness, whether or not you find a marriage
partner in this life. Your opportunity to marry may come indirectly
rather than by directly focusing on that objective."
How do I keep an attitude that fosters happiness for other people's successes (especially when I do not have the same success) and avoid becoming bitter? How is resilience nourished in the face of repeated rejection and rejecting?
"Only in the long view do we find justice, righteousness, and fairness.
Somehow, to understand, accept, and live with the reality of unfairness
as only a transitory thing makes it tolerable."
--This is key. ONLY as we keep an eternal perspective can we view and accept all of life's unfairness. It is abundant, and I am often the recipient of the positive unfair end. Why am I born in America in this generation? Why do I get to experience all the freedoms that govern my life and decisions? Unfairness does not exist in the eternities and in the Atonement. It should only motivate us to increase our compassion.
How do I maintain high self-esteem in the face of loneliness, rejection, and guilt?
"It is common to find low self-esteem in the lives of single adults—but
it is common among married adults as well...We all need the feeling that
we are of value, that we count in life...A testimony brings peace of
mind and assurance about life’s ultimate
purposes for us. Knowing that we are spirit children of a loving Father
in Heaven, and therefore heirs of all he is and has, is one of the
greatest concepts mortals can grasp."
--This helps me realize that a testimony should be where our confidence springs from. Being single sometimes feels like a low blow to our confidence (and often it may seem that we deal out an equal amount of blows to other people's confidence), but our relationship to Heavenly Father and our knowledge of His plan for us as individuals should be where our confidence springs from, not from feeling wanted by our spouse or lack therefore. Society will tell you otherwise, so be aware of that.
